I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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