You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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