Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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