is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
