saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
