I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
