I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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