Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
