it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
