i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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