You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
