Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
