no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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