Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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