a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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