Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
