he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
