he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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