OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
