I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
