She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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