Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
