Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
