sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
