i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
