Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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