My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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