i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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