Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
