If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
