If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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