Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
