I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
