Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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