Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
