'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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