you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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