When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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