You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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