fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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