hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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