Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
