I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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