Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
