My liver just broke up with me...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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