Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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