Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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