The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
