this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she looked like the before picture.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
