Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
